Their hands were clasped on the seat between them. The cab was quiet, the only sounds coming from the City outside the windows as they headed back to Mercer Street. His own thoughts were so scrambled; he could only imagine what was going through her head. So much information had been thrown at them in the last two hours he wasn’t sure where to begin.
He stroked her hand with his thumb. She had been right about the chemotherapy. The doctor had laid it out for her, six cycles, twice a week for three to four weeks, four to six months of having this ‘cocktail’ dripped into her. She was supposed to start two weeks from now. At least they were giving her some time to heal from the surgery.
He studied her profile. She was staring blindly out the window. He could practically see the wheels turning in her head.
“What are you thinking?”
“That this is all really a dream” she answered. She turned from the window to look at him. “That I’m going to wake up any second and none of this will be happening.”
That face, the beauty of it was marred by the fear and frustration roiling through her. Her eyes, wide and distraught had him aching with the need to try to make everything better for her. Only he couldn’t. He couldn’t go through the surgery for her a week ago and he wouldn’t be able to take the chemo for her. All he could do was sit back, hold her hand and watch as she fought the fight of her life.
He pulled her across the seat and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
Cilla turned her head and laid it on his chest. “Me too. You wanna be me for the next six months?”
He buried his nose into her hair, hair that would probably be gone by Christmas. “You know I would if I could.”
She angled her head up and pressed her lips lightly to his as she gazed into his eyes. “I know.” The car turned onto Mercer and she inhaled deeply as she sat up. “I also know I should be stronger than this. I shouldn’t be whining to you about this. I should just suck it up and play the hand I’ve been dealt. But this sucks Jonny.” She followed him out of the car when it stopped in front of the building. “It sucks big time.”
It did suck. He couldn’t deny that. “You’re right, this situation does suck. But you’re wrong if you think you’re not strong. Just because you’re angry and afraid doesn’t make you weak baby.” He took her hand and together they stepped into the elevator. “It makes you human.”
Stepping out on his floor he paused in front of his door. Looking down at her he cupped her face with his hand and kissed her gently. “I used to think my ex-wife was the strongest woman I knew” he told her, his eyes never leaving her face. “I was wrong. You’ve got her beat by a mile baby.”
She had to look away. How could he say that to her? All she had done was bitch and moan it seemed from the first day. She brought her eyes back to his and resolved to be better, to be the woman he thought she was. She rose on her toes and pressed her lips to his. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He wrapped his arms around her. “Couch or bed babe?” The day was starting to wear on her, he could see it. She needed to get off her feet.
She looked around the room and than up at him. Maybe if she got him to lay down with her she could start on that resolution she had just made to herself. “Bed I think.”
He scooped her up and headed up the stairs. “I thought for sure you’d pick the couch.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “All my things are upstairs though.”
He set her on the bed. “Which of your things do you want right now or are you going to take a nap?”
She grabbed a fist full of his shirt, sliding her free hand down to cup him before slipping back up to toy with the button on his jeans. “I want this ‘thing’ and then maybe we can take that nap together.”
Gently he drew her hand up from his waist and kissed her fingertips as he knelt up on the bed. He’d like nothing better than to strip her naked and to make love with her all afternoon, but he wasn’t going to chance hurting her. “You know we can’t do this yet baby; two more weeks at least before you’re healed enough.”
As the words left his mouth the date hit him. He lowered himself next to her on the bed. She’d be starting chemo in two weeks. Who knew when she might be feeling up to this again? He closed his eyes against the thought. No. He’d wait. Opening his eyes again he found hers trained on him. He reached out and stroked her cheek, losing himself in those wide gray orbs. “We have to wait.”
Turning her head slightly she kissed the fingers that stroked over her cheek. She didn’t want to talk about her health or what the coming days would bring. She wanted to forget, just for a little while. She wanted an hour of normal again. She knew she wasn’t ready to go all the way, but there was no reason why he should have to wait. There were other things they could do. Sucking the tip of his index finger into her mouth she swirled her tongue around it and watched his eyes go blurry. “There’s no reason we can’t mess around a little” she murmured as she released his finger.
He rolled onto his back, trying to keep himself from attacking her. “I don’t want hurt you Sweets.”
She propped her head up on one hand and walked the fingers of the other down over his stomach and along the hard ridge in his jeans. “You won’t hurt me. In fact, I’d say I’m the one hurting you right now Jonny.”
His groan rumbled out of him. Just the soft, whispery way she said his name had him half ready to come in his jeans. His hips rose, pressing against her hand as she stroked him. “God baby…”
She smiled and walked her fingers up to his belt. Together they divested him of his jeans and before she could take him in her hand he stopped her. “Are you sure about this?” It didn’t seem quite fair and he would damn sure make it up to her later, but right now he hoped she was sure.
She nodded her head and traced his lower lip with her tongue. “I’m sure.” She kissed him eagerly and her hand stroked him once before sliding up, pushing at his shirt.
Pulling his mouth from hers he sat up enough to get his shirt off. Lying back down, he watched her watching him. “This doesn’t seem quite right. I’m naked and you’re not.”
She walked her fingers across his chest, teasing the already hard nipples. “It works for me.” Her mouth found his again and her hand slid down, cupping him, rolling his balls carefully before grasping his hard cock and stroking him gently.
Chapter 89
Chapter 88
The weights clanged to a rest as Jon grunted out the last of his reps. Groping for the towel he had dropped on the floor next to the bench he wiped his face and sat up. It had been a long week. In the ordinary course of things he was not the most patient man, but he had met his match in Cilla. She was bound and determined to do everything herself. He was just as determined to take care of her.
They were butting heads over just about everything. At least he had won the battle of the stairs. She was only supposed to go up and down once a day. She had found out on the first day home that she was told that for a reason. So she was reluctantly letting him run up and down the stairs for her during the day if she needed something.
Sighing he got up and headed out of his home gym and down the hall to his room. His hand hesitated on the door knob. Would she still be sleeping? Would she be up and dressed? Would they be able to have a conversation without it turning into an argument? “Only one way to find out” he muttered and turned the knob.
She was sitting on the bed, her hair a mess, one shoulder peeking from the pale pink robe she wore, her laptop open, her fingers clicking over the keyboard. She didn’t even look up when he walked into the room. She must be doing more research. That’s all she had been doing lately. Every time he looked at her it seemed she had her nose buried in her computer.
“Finding anything new?” He tossed the used towel in the direction of the hamper.
She shook her head, “no, not really.” Looking up she frowned. “You missed.”
He looked over and shrugged. “I’ll get it in a minute.” He went and sat next to her, pulling her hands gently from the computer. “You need to give it a rest babe. You’ve found everything there is to find. What else are you looking for?”
She rubbed her thumb along his, “I just want to be ready when we meet with Dr. Aghajanian later today. If I’m going to win this fight, I need to be prepared.” She finally looked at him, noticing the flush that hadn’t quite left his face and the sweat that drenched his shirt. “You need a shower.”
He couldn’t argue with her reasoning. “I know you want to be prepared, and if you could kill the cancer with information, you would have kicked its ass yesterday, but babe, you need to give it a rest now. Take a break and wait and see what the doctor says.”
“But I-”
He tugged her off the bed, away from the information highway she had been riding. “No, no buts. You’re supposed to be resting not blinding yourself staring at that little screen. Take a break. Come shower with me, then we’ll go down and get some breakfast.”
Unable to fight his steely determination, she followed him into the bathroom. She watched and waited as he adjusted the taps, stripped off his clothes and stepped into the steamy corner. Her hands fingered the tie on her robe. Her scar wasn’t pretty. It was still so red and new. It had only been a little more than a week and he had only seen her naked once since her surgery. He had been too upset with her to notice her scar at the time. She watched him tilt his head back and wet his hair. Would it matter to him? Would she still be as attractive to him as she had been before?
“Are you coming in?” Jon poked his head out to see what was taking her so long.
She nodded, “yeah, just a sec.” She turned, slipping out of her robe and hanging it on the back of the door. Turning back she was surprised to find him watching her. She dropped her arms across her stomach. “What?”
Stepping out of the shower, he crossed to her, heedless of the water he dripped with every step. Gently he pulled her arms from her middle letting his eyes wander over her. Wordlessly he let her hands go and cupped her face, gazing into her wide gray eyes. “You’re beautiful” he murmured as his lips captured hers in a tender kiss.
Easing back he waited for her to open her eyes. “Okay?”
She smiled tremulously and nodded. She could have cried he was being so sweet to her. Her emotions had been all over the place in the last few days. Frustrated and ready to cry one minute, smiling and happy the next. She really hoped the doctor today could help her control that. Then there was the fear of what was coming. A rollercoaster would have been a smoother ride.
Jon tugged her closer and wrapped her in a wet hug. “We’ll get through this Sweets.”
“But I’ve been such a bitch Jonny. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She rested her head against his chest. “You’re all wet.”
His chuckle got lost as he buried his nose in her hair and dragged her toward the shower. “Let’s get you that way too.”
The steam engulfed them as they stepped in and pulled the door shut. Jon stood her under the spray, letting the water beat down on her shoulders in a gentle massage. He washed her hair for her, enjoying the feel of the thick soapy strands as they slid though his fingers. Would she lose her hair to the chemotherapy she was so sure she needed? He reached for her soap; he frowned at the thought. If she had to lose something he supposed it was better her hair than the fight for her life. He’d buy her a wig, any kind that she wanted, if she wanted one.
“I’ll probably lose my hair.”
Her voice was so quiet it almost got lost in the rush of the water. Almost. His hands paused as they were gliding over her, could she read his mind? “And?”
She stilled his hands, “I’ll be bald, Jon.”
“So I’ll buy you a wig.” He wasn’t going to let her start worrying about it now. She had enough on her plate as it was.
She wrapped her arms around him and practically curled right into him. “I love you so much.”
He rested his cheek on her head and stroked her back, “I love you too, hairy or bald.” He got the laugh he was looking for.
Laughter he thought as he held her, the best medicine in the world.
Chapter 87
Cilla stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up. This was going to take a few minutes. Jon had brought her to her place to pick up her things and to talk to Sid before heading over to his place and, looking at the mountain she had to climb to get to her door, she had no doubt she would be doing nothing but lying on his couch for the rest of the day.
She had barely taken the first step and Jon was right behind her.
“Take it slow.”
“I am.” She turned and kissed his cheek. “Don’t hover.”
He stood back and let her get about halfway before starting up after her. “How’re you doing?”
She looked down at him. “I’m fine.”
By the time Jon unlocked her door and they made it to her room she was ready for a nap. She sat on the edge of her bed. “I need a minute.”
He went to the closet and pulled out her bag, “just tell me where things are and I can pack for you.”
She shook her head. She could do this. “I can pack my own bag. Just give me a minute to catch my breath.”
He sat down next to her, “you just had major surgery Sweets. You’re supposed to be resting, so sit here and rest and let me take care of this for you.”
She sat and told him where things were and what she wanted to bring. Every time she tried to get up to help he scowled at her and made her stay seated. “Can I at least get up and go to the bathroom?” she asked petulantly.
He looked up from the drawer he had just pushed shut. “Yes you can.”
When she tried to move by him he stopped her. “I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass.” Concern colored his voice. “I just don’t want you to over do.”
“How can I over do when you won’t let me do anything to begin with?” She was feeling more irritable by the minute. She wasn’t used to having someone do things for her. She wasn’t sure she liked it very much.
“I let you climb the stairs, didn’t I? I could have carried you up.”
She started to turn away and then stopped and looked back at him. “If this is how you’re going to be for the next month, you can go to the Hamptons by yourself. I’m pretty set in my ways Jon. I don’t like having people telling me what I can and can’t do.”
He set the clothes in his hand down on the dresser. Didn’t she get it? Didn’t she understand? She wasn’t superwoman. She needed to take it easy and get her strength back so she could kick this disease in the ass. He was only trying to make sure that she took care of herself. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just want you to realize that you have limitations right now. You can’t just jump right back in to everything. The doctor said four weeks at the least until you’re fully healed. You need to remember that.”
She stalked to the bathroom. “I know what she said and I won’t over do, but you have to trust me that I know when that point comes. You can’t know how I’m feeling.” She paused, “unless you’ve suddenly developed some sort of sixth sense about me or something.”
He could see on her face and read in her eyes exactly how she was feeling. Right now she was tired and irritated. He wouldn’t press this right now; he didn't want to fight with her. “All right. I’m going to go down and see Sid. Will you be all right for a few minutes?”
She closed the bathroom door in answer. Hearing the outer door shut she glanced in the mirror and winced. No wonder he was on her to sit and rest. She looked like shit. Leaning on the sink she dropped her head forward. She’d have to apologize to him when he came back. She shouldn’t have crabbed at him like that. He was just trying to help her.
Looking around she gathered a few toiletries she would need and stared longingly at the shower. She should wait for Jon to come back. She started to walk back toward the bed and changed her mind. She wanted a shower. She hadn’t been able to wash her hair or herself properly in four days. Stripping off her clothes she headed back and turned the water on. She was sure she could manage a quick shower by herself.
Jon and Sid chatted easily as they climbed the stairs. Sid could sympathize with Jon. Cilla was not an easy patient. He could recall many a day when he would have to just about sit on her to get her to realize that while she said she was fine, she obviously wasn’t. She didn’t like to be catered to, and asking for help, she’d rather cut out her tongue with a dull, rusty knife. She was the original do it herself girl. Even a bout of pneumonia the year before hadn’t kept her down for more than a day.
Jon stared at Sid as they stood in front of her door. “So, you’re telling me I’m going to have to tie her to the couch to get her to rest and recuperate?”
Sid nodded, “she’s a stubborn one our Cil. Maybe you’ll have better luck than I ever did. You can kiss her into submission; that never worked for me.”
Jon laughed and opened the door. “I’ll have to try that.” They heard the water running. Jon shook his head, “Is that the shower?”
Sid nodded, “yep. I told you she was stubborn.”
They crossed the room and Sid sat on the couch while Jon tried the bathroom door. Finding it unlocked he stepped into the steamy room. “Sweets?”
She was sitting on the edge of the tub, her energy sapped. Once she got in the shower she’d barely been able to get her hair washed before she nearly fell. Hot tears of frustration blurred her vision and she heard Jon call out to her. “Jonny?”
He barely heard the whisper of his name over the roar of the shower. Peeking around the curtain he found her resting against the edge of the tub. “Don’t move.” He stripped off his clothes and stepped into the tub. “What did you think you were doing?” he asked, keeping his voice even and low as he found her puff and worked up a lather with her soap.
She watched his face as he ran the soap over her. “I needed a shower. I thought I could manage.” A tear fell down her cheek. She hated feeling so helpless. “I’m sorry.”
He dropped the soapy puff and crouched in front of her, wiping away her tears with his fingertips. God he hated to see her like this. “It’s okay.”
She rested her forehead against his, “I’m a terrible patient. I’m sorry I was so bitchy before.”
He kissed her lightly. Compromise he thought, find some middle ground. “I’ll try to be a little less strict if you promise not to push too hard for the next few weeks.”
“Okay” she agreed. “I’ll try.”
Smiling, Jon took her hands and stood, “think you can stand up? We need to get the soap rinsed off.”
When Jon turned to shut the water off she stroked her hands down his strong, smooth back, wrapping her arms around him from behind, her hands splayed over his stomach. Pressing a kiss to middle of his back she rested her cheek against him.
Her soft touch had his blood heating. He tried to tamp it down, but her breath, her lips against his skin felt too good. Swallowing a groan, he craned his head around, “you okay?”
She nodded her head, “here we are in the shower again and I still didn’t get to wash your back.”
Covering her hands with his he turned to face her, “when you’re healed baby.” They couldn’t get into this now. It was too soon.
