Chapter 82

Cilla opened her eyes. The daylight had shifted, the room was darker now. What time was it? How long had she been asleep? She moved her legs and moaned quietly as she tried to find a more comfortable position. Sid was out of the chair like a shot. "Here sweetie, let me help you." He got her situated and sat back down, studying the face he knew nearly as well as his own. "You okay, in any pain?"

She nodded, "a little, but its not too bad right now."

"You sure? I can get the nurse to give you something."

She shook her head, "no, I'm all right.” She looked around, “where's Jon?" Her voice wavered. He had said he'd be there when she woke up. "Did he leave?" Maybe he had decided he didn't want to be here with her after all.

Sid patted her hand. "Relax. He had to take a leak and make a phone call."

She closed her eyes again. “Oh.” Relief washed through her. “How long have I been asleep?”

“A couple of hours. I thought you weren’t going to tell him.” He had been truly surprised to find Jon at the hospital already when he had arrived.

She opened her eyes and looked over to the door and then at him. “I wasn’t.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What changed your mind?”

“I saw him.” She explained about Jon stopping Friday morning and of their conversation in her kitchen. “He caught me before I had time to figure out how not to tell him.” She sighed. “He could tell just by looking at me that something was wrong. I guess I need to work on my poker face.”

Sid opened his mouth to speak but stopped when Jon and Dr. Shortle walked in.

Jon walked over and pressed a kiss to Cilla’s temple. “How are you feeling?”

She tried to smile, “a bit like I’ve had my insides ripped out. You?”

Jon dropped his forehead to hers, “that wasn’t funny. Are you in any pain?”

When Cilla didn’t answer, the doctor stepped up, “are you in any pain?”

Jon moved to the far side of the bed and Cilla looked at the doctor. “Some; but it’s okay right now.”

She lifted the blankets and checked Cilla’s incision. The dressing needed to be changed. “I’ll have a nurse come in and change the dressing and bring you something for the pain. Do you think you’d like to try to eat something? I can have them bring you some clear broth, some jello.”

Cilla shook her head. She wanted to know what was going on with her. She didn’t care about eating right now. “Maybe just something to drink. And could you tell me what’s going on. What happens now?”

Dr. Shortle looked at the two men on the other side of the bed and then at Cilla. “We had to do the hysterectomy.”

Cilla felt Jon’s hand close over hers. “I know.” As much as she hadn’t wanted to tell him about any of this, she was glad he was here.

She continued, “right now we’re waiting on the lab for the staging results. Once we know what stage your cancer is at we can determine the best treatment. I’m going to schedule an MRI for tomorrow. I want to make sure this hasn’t spread. I also think transferring you to Sloan Kettering might be a good idea. They are better equipped to handle the treatment you’ll need.”

Cilla nodded, “okay, if you think that’s best.”

Dr. Shortle made a note on her chart, “I do. You can get the best care over there. Dr. Carol Aghajanian is the chief of gynecological and medical oncology over there. She will take good care of you.”

The doctor left and a nurse showed up. She changed Cilla’s bandages, checked her temperature and blood pressure. Marking the chart she gathered her things. “I’ll be right back with your pain medicine.”

“Okay.”

The nurse left and Cilla turned to Sid and Jon. “You don’t have to stay with me. You guys can go home.” They had been there all day. She knew they had to be as tired as she was. Waiting wasn’t easy on any one. Besides, she had a lot to think about, decisions that needed to be made.

Jon shook his head. He wasn’t about to leave her alone to brood over all that the doctor had told her. “I’m not going anywhere Sweets. You’re stuck with me tonight.”

She turned her hand, lacing their fingers together. "You don't have to do that. I'm just going to sleep Jonny. You should just go home."

He wasn't going to be swayed. He had talked to Dorothea just so she wasn't taken by surprise if there should be some mention of him being at the hospital. He had tried to clear his calendar, but the parade in Philadelphia was tomorrow and he couldn’t miss that, but otherwise, he was hers. "So sleep." He picked up the remote for the television. "There's probably a ball game I can watch." He settled further in the chair, smiling when he found the release for the foot rest. "You rest all you need to Sweets. I'll just be right here."

She looked over at Sid for some help. She got none. Sid stood, "since you're all set here, I'm going to go. Mark and I will be back to see you tomorrow." He leaned over Cilla and kissed her cheek. "Be nice. He loves you and he's worried" he whispered before straightening. He looked across the bed at Jon. "Call me if you need anything."

Jon nodded and stood, "I'm sure we'll be fine." He held out his hand, "thanks man." Sid shook his hand and quietly left the room.

He settled himself back in the chair, reached for her hand again and put his feet up. “This isn’t half bad Sweets.”

She just shook her head. “Really you could just go home and stretch out on that huge couch of yours. Its got to be much more comfortable than that chair.” She really wanted to be alone to think about what was coming next. She knew from her mother and grandmother what the treatment would include. Chemotherapy and/or radiation. She wasn’t a fan of either option, but as far as she knew, there was no other treatment for cancer.

Sighing, she looked over at Jon. What would this do to them? Her dad had stood by her mom throughout her fight but that was different. They had been married forever when her mom was diagnosed. But her and Jon, their relationship was still so young. Would it bring them closer together or would it rip them apart? Maybe she shouldn’t have told him. Why didn’t she follow her first instinct and keep this to herself?

Jon shifted in the chair and looked over at her. “What is it baby? Are you okay?” There was something in the look on her face. Tears dotted her lashes and she was biting her lower lip.

“Where is the nurse? She was going to bring me something.” She wasn’t ready to tell Jon her fears yet.

As if she had spoken her into existence, the nurse appeared, syringe in hand. With a push of the plunger into her IV line, Cilla drifted off into a drug induced sleep.

Chapter 81

Listening to the shower run, Jon dropped down onto the sofa. His mind was reeling. Laying his head back he closed his eyes, trying to absorb everything Cilla had told him. Letting the words roll around in his head questions started to form. 

What is the procedure she’s having? What happens after that? What is the prognosis? The big one, the one that was bothering him most he would have to ask her. Why did she wait so long to get checked out?

He needed to know more, learn more so he could help her through this. If what Richie had gone through with his dad had taught him anything, it was the more you know, the more you can do.

Opening his eyes he spied her computer on the coffee table. Answers. He needed answers and the best place to start was right there in front of him.

“Pink looks good on you.”

Jon’s fingers slowed and he blinked to clear his eyes. He had been staring at the small screen reading every bit of information he could find. He had never crammed for an exam during school the way he had in the last half hour. “I was just getting some information.” He looked up at her. She had dressed in white cropped pants and a pretty blue button down, but her face was drawn and her eyes were sad. He held out a hand to her, “come here.”

Sitting down next to him she rested her head on his shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“I wanted to know more so I looked it up.” He turned the laptop so she could see what he had been reading. “It might not be cancer Sweets. You can’t just focus on that. It could be anything.”

She shook her head sadly. “You didn’t hear my phone did you?”

“No, why?” What news did she get now?

“My doctor called with the results of the blood work I had done. She mentioned something about my CA markers and elevated levels. She’s more certain now that it is cancer.” She rested her head against Jon’s shoulder again. She couldn’t even cry anymore. “Maybe” she hesitated, knowing full well Jon’s reaction to what she was about to say. “Maybe I shouldn’t go with you this weekend. I don’t think I’d be very good company.”

Jon set the computer back on the table and took her in his arms. “I want you there with me baby and maybe going away will help you take your mind off of this for a bit.” He didn’t want her to sit here all alone dwelling on the what ifs and the what might be’s.

She leaned into him, soaking up his warmth, his strength. “This is a big weekend for you Jonny; I don’t want to be the one who puts a damper on that for you.”

“You won’t.” He leaned back so he could see her face, “I want you there with me. Don’t start pulling back on me now Sweets. I’m not going anywhere. I know you’ve got a hell of a fight ahead of you and I’m going to be there every step of the way.” He searched her face, her eyes. “You are going to fight this, right?”

She didn’t know what to tell him. She hadn’t thought that far ahead but, there, in the determined blue of his eyes, there was a passion and a fire for her that she hadn’t taken the time to see before. She didn’t want it to go out, didn’t want him to lose that. She nodded her head, “with all that I have Jonny. With all that I have.”

~

Jon leaned forward; the plastic chair creaked under his weight. Sid was on the blue pleather couch, his legs splayed out before him, his head resting against the wall. How much longer? He glanced at his watch. Another hour at least. He stood and moved to the window. The weekend had gone too quickly. He leaned against the window frame, resting his forehead on his arm as he watched the traffic below.

He had wanted her to have a good time. He had tried to keep her spirits up, tried to keep her from thinking too much about today, and she had tried to enjoy herself, she really had. She had taken Jesse and Steph shopping in the French Quarter, met his family, laughed at Richie's stupid jokes. She had even handled his mother. But he could tell her heart wasn't really in it.

She had gone through the motions, kept a smile on her face, cheered for his team, congratulated them when they won. All for him. If he hadn't owned the team, if he hadn't had to be there, they could have stayed home. But he was the owner and he'd had to be there. So she put up a good front and stuck by his side even though he knew she would have rather been anywhere else.

He sighed and turned from the window. Sid hadn't moved. He glanced up at the clock. Could time be moving any slower? He paced, willing the hands on the clock to move, willing a nurse to come in telling them she was all right, that they hadn't found anything worse than a couple of benign cysts. He didn't want to think about what she would have to go through if this was cancer like she thought it was. The blue plastic chair groaned as he dropped back into it. Sid opened his eyes.

"You okay?"

Jon nodded, "yeah. I just wish they'd come and tell us something."

Sid sat up, "they will when they can."

Jon stared at him. How could he be so relaxed? He stood again. "I'm going to go have a smoke. You want coffee?"

Sid nodded, "yeah, thanks."

The oppressive August heat engulfed him when he stepped outside. Sucking on the cigarette did nothing to calm him down. He pulled out his phone. Maybe he should call Richie. Maybe he would have some advice on how to deal with the waiting. He tucked his phone away again. He couldn’t do that. Richie was just getting back on his feet. He didn’t want to derail him now. But shit, he was scared.

Jon hadn't admitted his fears to her. He didn't want to put that on her while she was dealing with everything else. But he was afraid. Afraid she was right, that she did indeed have cancer. He crushed out the butt and looked up at the clouds.  Why? He wanted to yell, to rail at someone for what was happening to her. It wasn't fair.

He scrubbed a hand over his face. He couldn't lose her too damn it. Dorothea had walked away from him, she hadn't wanted him anymore. Now, Cilla might be taken from him by something neither he nor she could control. He kicked the metal can that served as the ash tray. Why was this happening to her? Hadn't she been through enough in her life already?

He walked back into waiting room; the coffee he brought held little appeal. He handed Sid a cup and settled back in his chair. "Any news yet?"

Sid studied Jon. He was agitated enough for the both of them. "No, nothing yet."

Jon ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "What is taking them so long?"

Sid leaned forward, "Getting all worked up isn't going to bring us news any faster. You need to chill."

Jon leaned back and blew out a breath. "I know man. But waiting is not my strong suit."

Sid chuckled. "I see that."

The door opened, "Mr. Bongiovi, Mr. Rogers?" The nurse's face held no readable expression.

Jon stood, "how is she? Why is it taking so long?"

Sid joined him. "Can we see her?"

The nurse put her hand up, "wait. I'm just here to tell you it will be a while longer yet. She's doing fine. The doctor will be by when they're done." She turned and left the two men alone.

Jon threw his empty coffee cup in the direction of the garbage. "Fuck."

Sid sent his cup after Jon's. "What are they doing to her in there?"

Jon looked at Sid, coffee burning like acid in his stomach. He knew what was going on. They had found something and they were doing a more extensive surgery. Cilla had told him that if the masses were cancerous as the doctor thought, they would do a hysterectomy. That had to be what happened, why it was taking so much longer than expected.

An hour passed, then another before the doctor came. "Gentlemen."

Jon and Sid jumped to their feet. "How is she?"

"She came through the surgery fine. She's being brought to her room and you can go see her in a few minutes."

Relief was clear on the men's faces until the doctor spoke again. Cilla had told the doctor and nurses beforehand that Sid and Jon were to be told everything. She didn't care about the HIPA laws. These two men were her family and they needed to know. "We had to do the hysterectomy. The masses we found were indeed cancerous."

Jon's shoulders slumped. "Can we see her now?"

The doctor took them to Cilla's room. "She's still sleeping. The anesthesia hasn't completely worn off yet."

The doctor quietly left as the men approached the bed. Sid kissed her forehead and held her hand. Jon stood at the foot, waiting. He wanted to be alone with her.

Sid let her hand go and turned to Jon. "I'm going to go call Mark and my mom. I'll be back."

Jon stopped him before he could take more than a step. "Thanks man."

Sid nodded. "I love her too." The door closed behind him before Jon could say any more.

He moved to the side of the bed, taking up her hand. She looked so small lying there. He brushed her hair back as he sat down. "Hey baby" he said quietly. "Surgery's over." Her eyelids fluttered. He picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. "I love you."

She opened her eyes. "Jonny?" she croaked.

He leaned over so she could see him. "I'm right here baby."

She squeezed his hand. "What" she licked her lips, "what did they find?"

He looked over to the door, where the fuck was the doctor? He didn't want to be the one to confirm her worst fear.

Cilla knew it was bad. "Cancer, right?"

He nodded his head. "Yea. They had to do the hysterectomy."

She closed her eyes and turned her head away from him. She had known, somewhere, in some deep corner of her heart she had known that's that they would find. She had hoped for something, anything else, but now she had to try to accept what she had known all along. "They took everything?"

"Yes. I'm sorry Sweets."

He watched her, trying to gauge her reaction, but she wouldn't look at him. "Come on baby, look at me, talk to me. Please?"

She shook her head, "I'm tired Jon. I just want to sleep now."

He sighed and squeezed the hand he still held. "All right rest now. I'll be here when you wake up."

Chapter 80

Slowing to a walk, Jon paused in front of Cilla’s shop. He had gone out for a run and, unconsciously, his route had brought him here. There were no lights on, the gate was down and locked. He couldn’t help the smile. He was going to see her in just a few hours. Somehow he had managed to convince her to accompany him, Steph and Jesse to New Orleans. Slipping his hand in his pocket he fingered the key he had absently grabbed along with his phone. He glanced at his watch. It wasn’t too early, she’d be up.

Following his heart around the corner he jogged up the now-familiar steps. Pausing, he shrugged and slipped the key into the lock. The smile on his face turned to a smirk when his own voice greeted him. He kept forgetting she was a fan.

Happiness, it's been no friend to me
But forever after ain't what it's all cracked up to be
Yeah, I had a taste, you were my fantasy
But I lost my faith when I hit reality
I don't need no guru to tell me what to do
When your feeling like a headline on
Yesterday's news

He crossed to her bedroom. She was still wrapped in her robe, her hair bundled up on her head. He sang out the chorus from the doorway.

Come on, come on, come on
Give me something for the pain
Give me something for the blues
Give me something for the pain when
I feel I've been danglin' from a hang-man's noose
Give me something I can use
To get me through the night
Make me feel all right,
Something like you

Cilla jumped and spun around. No! she nearly screamed. You can’t be here. I’m not ready yet. Unable to meet his eyes, she crossed the room and turned the sound down on the stereo. “Jonny." She fought to keep her voice steady. "You nearly gave me a heart attack. What are you doing here?”

His smile dimmed. This wasn't exactly the greeting he had been hoping for. "I was out for a run and ended up here." She looked flustered, out of sorts. "Are you okay Sweets?"

She nodded, "yes, I'm fine." Her eyes flitted around the room, landing on her night table. The papers from the doctor were still sitting there. "Do you want some coffee, some breakfast?" She needed to get him out of her room.

He caught her wrist as she tried to move past him. She wouldn’t look at him. Something was definitely wrong. “Tell me what’s got you all worked up baby.”

She looked up, finally meeting his eyes, “nothing, really. You just caught me by surprise is all. I’m fine.”

He wasn’t sure he believed her. Her eyes were steely and stormy, the shadows beneath were nearly the same color. He wanted to force her to talk but he knew that wouldn’t get him anywhere. He cupped her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She’d tell him if there was something really wrong, wouldn’t she? “You’re sure?”

She nodded. “I’m sure.” The lie left a vile taste in her mouth.

He pressed his lips to hers. “I missed you last week.”

She pulled back, “I missed you too.” She tugged him toward the door, “why don’t you wash up and then tell me about your trip over a cup of coffee?”

While he was in the bathroom Cilla hurried back to the bedroom, shoving the stack of papers in her bag before heading back to the kitchen. Standing at the sink as the coffee dripped into the pot, she dropped her head forward and closed her eyes. She couldn’t do this. He already knew something was bothering her. There was no way she could sit here with him and make small talk with this, this thing hanging over her head.

Lifting her head, she heaved out a breath. She had to tell him. She shook her head in resignation. Did Sid always have to be right?

Jon watched her. Her face was reflected in the window and he could see the inner battle she was waging with herself. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked quietly.

Startled, she shook her head and moved from the sink. “Coffee’s ready.” She got out cups and busied herself pouring coffee and arranging cinnamon rolls on a plate. Sitting down across from him at her little table in her tiny kitchen she pasted on a smile. “Tell me about Greece.”

Jon picked up his cup. Why wouldn’t she talk to him? Taking a sip he studied her across the table. Maybe if he told her what she wanted to know, she would return the favor. So, he talked. He told her about the pristine beaches. He spoke of the yacht they had spent the better part of the week on. He smiled when he talked about the kids. While he talked he watched her, looking for some sign that she was ready to tell him what was bothering her.

"So" he finished up, "that was my week." He picked at a cinnamon roll. "How was yours? What did you do?" There. He gave her the opening. Hopefully she would take it.

Cilla turned the mug in her hands. He was tan, he was rested. He'd just come back from a wonderful vacation and they were supposed to leave in a few hours for New Orleans. How could she give him this news now? She stood and put her empty cup in the sink.

Jon watched her. "Did something happen with you and Sid?" He was at an utter loss as to what could possibly have her acting like this.

She kept her back to him and shook her head. "No. Sid is fine. We're fine."

Jon stood and moved up behind her, resting his hands lightly on her shoulders. He was beginning to wonder if she was going to end things with him. He didn't think he could handle that. "Talk to me Cil. Whatever it is we'll deal with it together."

Reaching up she covered his hand with hers, drawing on his strength to help her. "I went to the doctor the other day. She found a mass behind my pelvis and smaller ones on my ovaries. I need to have surgery this week. She thinks" she paused and squeezed his hand. "She thinks it could be cancer."

Jon turned her around and held her close. No! his brain screamed. This couldn't be. No wonder she was so out of sorts. She had been alone when she had gotten this news. And where had he been? On the beach working on his tan. Fuck! She had to be terrified. He should have been here with her.

She started to tremble and he held on tighter. Wrapping her arms around him she pressed her face to his chest. "I'm scared Jonny. I'm so scared."

He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "I know baby. I know." He mentally ran through his upcoming schedule. "When is your surgery?" He would move heaven and earth if he had to, but he would be there with her.