Chapter 83

Her head was muzzy. Her eyes were heavy and her mouth dry as dust. Whatever the nurse had pumped into her had eased her pain and dulled her senses. Hearing voices Cilla forced her eyes open. It was the low drone of the television. She looked over and Jon was asleep in the chair, his fingers laced together, resting on his stomach. He’s still here. She had honestly thought he would leave once she had fallen asleep.

The relief she felt nearly overwhelmed her. She needed him to still be there. She hadn’t realized just how much until now. Why had she thought not to tell him? She didn’t want to be alone, now here, not now, not yet. Her emotions got the better of her and the tears that had gathered in her eyes at finding him still there trailed down her cheeks.

Reaching over she stroked his shoulder, tracing the bit of the faded shield that was peeking out of the sleeve of his shirt. "I'm sorry" she whispered as her fingertips caressed his skin.

His hand closed over her fingers, startling her. “I thought you were asleep.”

Jon blinked his eyes open, “just dozed for a minute. You okay?”

She sniffed and nodded, “yeah.”

He stretched and looked at her, “why are you crying, are you in pain? What's wrong, why did you say you were sorry?”

She wiped her eyes. Shit. He heard her. Cilla frowned and gestured to herself and the bed, “I’m sorry for putting you through all this.” She looked up, watery gray met concerned blue, “for getting cancer and not wanting to tell you about any of it.”

His eyes widened and as her words sank in he pulled his hand from hers and rose from the chair.

She watched as he paced. His face was set, his jaw tight. He was pissed.

Jon turned on her, “you weren’t going to tell me?”

She shook her head.

“You were just going to have this operation and go through God knows what kind of tests and treatments alone?” His voice was deceptively calm, quiet.

She just nodded her head. “You forget I'm a fan. I saw what happened to Richie when his father got sick and then died. I didn't want that to happen to you. I didn’t want you to have to go through what he did. I wanted to save you from the pain that I know is just down the road. I thought if I didn’t tell you, if I could let you go, it would be easier.”

Jon stalked back and forth across the room, “Easier for who?” He turned to face her, “do you think that little of me? Do you really think I wouldn’t have wanted to know? That I would walk away from you when you need me?” He stopped and stared out the window at the darkness. It hurt to think that she could feel that way about him. He heard her sniffle and blow her nose.

“No. I don’t think that. I only wanted to protect you from the pain, from the hurt that you’ll be faced with.” She drew in a shaky breath. She had to give him the out. “Our relationship is still so new. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. If you want to walk out that door now, I’ll understand. But” she paused “I can’t do this alone.” She looked up, her gray eyes wide and wet. “I need you Jonny. I don’t want to lose you.”

Sitting down on the edge of the bed he took her hand. His anger ebbed, "its not your fault you got cancer Sweets. You can't think like that." He kissed her fingers, "and while I appreciate you trying to protect me, my heart, you have to stop worrying about me and concentrate on yourself. I can handle anything that comes at me and I promise you right here, right now, I'm not going anywhere. I won't let myself fall into the drink to get me through either." He pressed her chin up with his thumb. "But Sweets, you've got to talk to me, tell me what's bothering you instead of trying to make decisions for me, no matter how well intentioned."

"I'm sorry. It's just been so much to deal with. I'm still not sure which way is up yet." The stress and emotional upheaval of the last few days combined with the surgery she had endured had her ready to go back to sleep without the aid of any medication.

He nodded. "I can only imagine. Can you sit up a little?" He wanted to hold onto her for just a minute, reassure her that she could count on him.

She struggled but managed to do what he asked. "Now what?"

He opened his arms and pulled her close, stroking the water soft skin of her back, tracing her spine, her tattoo through the open back of the ugly hospital gown. "I need you too baby. I'm going to help you and be here for you as much as I can. Okay?"

She clung to him. She loved him so enormously, how could she have almost screwed this up? "Okay. But Jonny, just one more thing."

He pulled back, keeping his arms around her, not willing to let go just yet. "What's that?"

"Will you go home and eat and get some sleep? I know you have to go to Philadelphia tomorrow. You don't want to have bags and circles under your eyes for your team's big moment do you?"

He gave her a quiet smile and brushed her hair back over her shoulder. "You're doing it again. But you're right. And sunglasses can only cover so much." He studied her face, the wide gray eyes tugging at him. "You know, the minute I saw you, when I opened my door and let you into my apartment to deliver that cake, I knew I was in trouble." He laid his lips gently on hers. “I love you and I’ll be back tomorrow after the parade.”

She rested her head on his shoulder for just a moment, drawing on his strength, listening to his heart beat. “Okay. Maybe I’ll be able to watch on the TV.”

“You do that.” He helped her settle back against the pillows. “Do you need anything before I go?”

She shook her head. “I’m going to sip my water and go back to sleep.”

He kissed her once more. “Sweet dreams baby.”